RESPECT

Sixth publication in the Change Acceleration series

Learn to freely choose your actions and stop unproductive reactions taking control over you.

People react, often without conscience, automatically, because they were brought up that way. They minds have created various survival strategies during the life span. They resist against everything they do not want. They resist when their beliefs are threatened; pushed for change. They resist when unfamiliar feelings pops up. They push back whenever a physical change in the environment is getting closer.

Some of us use sarcasm and irony to protect ourselves from being touched. Others use open forms of aggression, like attack or critique. There are people who are good at ignoring and withdrawing from a situation; showing no interest. Some people constantly complain; no mather what, and blame others for their own failures. There are people who do not respond to emails, come late to meetings. Different strategies the same objective. Survive internal emotional pressure that is often hidden deeply inside.

I was good in asking questions and proving others are wrong; that is why I was labeled "a prosecutor" after an assessment center. I was specializing in loud outbursts of anger when things were not getting in my way. I was quite proficient in withdrawing myself and staying in the thinking sphere; analyzing, criticizing, worrying and finding faults in me. All of my toxic reactions towards myself and others were triggered by Something I was not aware of. The more stress I felt the more unproductive my reactions were. I was disconnecting from people, making them feel disrespected. I was shutting them down while still honestly believing that what I do is right. I though that thanks to my reactions thighs move forward and objectives are met.

If there is no respect; and unproductive or toxic reactions are visible during meetings; there is no chance for feelings to flow. Feelings need a safe space to emerge. Without feelings there will be a limited engagement; just work for pay. Trust will be lowered. People will pretend that they trust each other, being afraid of raising a trust issue. Openness will be hindered. People will be scattering their energies to prove their points. The common understanding will be missed. You will have to put a lot of effort and energy personally to control all activities, fix issues, correct mistakes and deal with escalations; to meet your objectives and deliver results. Wouldn't you like the situation to be different?

Your job as a leader is to create borders, set rules and guard those rules. Whenever you see unproductive reactions you should act. You should stop them and let the team know that you see and you do not accept it. Noticing and naming difficult reactions will show your team that you are in charge. Your authority will rise and your team productivity wil grow.

You should take for granted that your sensitivity to those unproductive reactions has to be higher then sensitivity of any other person in the room. People watch you. If you do not act, they think it is normal, they start adapting and playing their part in the game. Do you remember when you met large group of your employees, when you expected people to ask questions, engage into discussion and share openly. Unfortunately there was a quiet space and you had to talk for most of the time. Why it happened? Have your people felt safe opening up and sharing? Do not think that their are afraid to talk only because of you. Their are afraid of showing up in front of their peers. They are afraid of the reaction of peers after the meeting is done. Your sensitivity and persistency in being a role model of respect and guardian of rules is crucial.

Leaders I have met in my life have the ability to notice what is going on. They can even feel unpleasantness when unproductive or toxic reactions occur. But they do not act. The first reason is: limited understanding of the role they have in guarding rules and respect. The second reason is: they believe that teams work in that way, always were and it is normal. So they are not interested in fixing it.

The third reason is the most important. They are unconsciously afraid to act. On the surface level they are afraid of the emotional reaction from the group, including being ignored. On the deepest level they are afraid of their own reaction, when facing resistance or ignorance from the team. They are afraid that Something they have hidden deeply inside, they have no control over; will cause them to overreact. Overreaction will make them feel ashamed or regretful. To not take a risk of losing our face, we leaders tend to take a passive strategy: let's see, wait till it gets fixed; by itself.