SELF RESPECT

Second publication in the Human Touch series

"Next time, I would prefer your comments without: What the fuck" - said a young programmer over the phone.

It was his third month in a company. He was sitting in his office, working on a new program. He received a phone call. It was a Director of an another Division. 

"What the fuck is going on here. What are you doing here. Can you do anything right? This new program is not working" - said the Director, over the phone.

The programmer became silent and has listened. He was terrified. He had no idea what to say. The Director was very critical. He complained about poor quality, blaming the IT department for his problems. The programmer has asked few questions to get more clarity about the issue. The atmosphere has shifted, become more peaceful.

"I will take care of the issue. I will call you back within four hours" - the programmer has said making a pause at the end. 

"Next time, I would prefer your comments, without: What the fuck" - he added.

"You are right. Sorry" - said the Director.

A young woman entered an office space. 

Few colleagues were already in the office. She sat down and has started working. Few minutes have passed. Her boss has entered the room. The atmosphere has shifted immediately. 

"You are going to help me brush my hair" - the boss said. 

"I do not want to do it. I have a lot of work right now" - she replied.

"Do not answer me back. Do not grizzle. Your are young. You should respect elders. Come on." - the boss replied.

The boss treated people disrespectfully in many occasions. Few members of the team were smiling and laughing. Others were sitting silent. Nobody has helped her. It was a very humiliating experience. It was not the first time the young woman brushed hairs of the boss.

She shared her story with a college, on the way back home.

"You should have said, you will not do it" - the colleague has said.

"She is 30 years older than me. I should respect her" - the young woman has replied.

"What are you talking about? Her age is not important. You have full right to stop her. Respect Yourself!" - he commented.

He recommended to her to say one short sentence any time she feels disrespected and do not react to comments of her boss. 

She has practiced the sentence at home. She repeated the sentence many times at loud. It was not easy. Her throat was compressed. Her voice was weak. Her biggest problem was to say it a loud and make a pause at the end. She always tried to justify her reaction. She felt guilty of saying that.

"It is disrespectful" - she said at loud.

Her practice at home has changed something. For the very first time she said it without trying to add anything else. The smile has entered her face. She felt stronger hearing her voice. She was not aware, at that time, of what has changed. She has started believing that she deserves feeling respected and that she can be on her side.

It was at the next day. The young woman has entered the office. Few hours have passed. She became very happy. Her boss entered the room three times already. Nothing bad has happened. The boss was behaving differently than usual. She though that her preparation magically helped her change the situation. 

"Bring a coffee for me and your peers. Who else wants a coffee?" - the boss has said at loud.

Two colleges have raised their hands, standing close to her desk. The young woman stood silent for few seconds. She remembered that she should not react immediately. 

"It is disrespectful" - the woman has said.

She kept her face looking at her boss. Her body was shaking on the inside. She remained silent. Her peers were shocked. Nobody has said anything. The situation got serious. No ironic smiles on people's faces. Her boss has not reacted. The boss has left the room.

"Wow. You have a lot of courage. Congratulation." - said a team member.

Key lessons about respect for self.

Some people believe that they are disrespected due to the fact that something is wrong with them. It is a wrong assumption. Other people react with smile or silence, to disrespectful behaviors, because they are afraid. They choose to play the game to survive or to gain the approval. 

You can be on your side. Congratulate yourself any time you find courage to do so. 

Do not gossip with your peers about your achievement. Do not provoke discussions. Behave with respect. You minimize the risk of loosing the job acting with full respect. 

Use that short sentence any time you feel disrespected. Use the statement and stay silent. Do not comment. Do not explain yourself. The silence has a huge transformative power. It gives the other person a time to withdraw and do not loose her/his face more. 

It is not going to be easy the first time. The more you practice the easier it will be.